I can get over disappointments pretty well. They have happen to me frequently and I figured out early that I needed to find a way to work out my feelings and them move on, but I haven't been able to shake the fight I had with the kidney Doctor, Dr P. I'm not even sure if I can describe the hopelessness and frustration that clung to me after meeting with him.
The kidney Doctor I meet with 2 years ago when I had to go into to hospital said point blank that all my health problems were due to my bad habits and if I did not change I was going to die. I stomped out of his office. I concede that he believes that to be true. All doctors seemed to believe that I am sitting at home eating myself to death when we first start out. I understand and accept that being the way they always see me, to a certain extent, But Please! Get all the facts before you start tearing into me. Or have a bit of compassion when addressing me. My defenses go up and then I struggle to move forward.
This Kidney Doctor had year old blood tests, which I did not understand since I had been to the heart doctor and my internist before meeting with him, all took blood. He comes in telling me I am taking too many diuretics and I "Had to get off of those." I tried to explain to him that I did not take the doses on the bottle unless I needed it. Those diuretics had brought me back from the brink and now he wanted to take them away with out any information about me. I had not slept well the night before and he managed to push every single one of my buttons.
Dr. P says to me. "You need to lose weight. Get your blood Pressure under control and get you blood sugars under control." Uh, yes, no duh! I've heard that from every doctor I have ever meet with. I asked what do you want me to do.? "You need to exercise." How? I can barely make it into your office. I can't step out the front door of my house. What do you want me to do? "You need to get your sugar down." How? I have given up white flour and sugar. I used to swim 50 laps in my backyard pool. I did not lose any weight. Nothing has helped."
"Well, we just have an excuse for everything, don't we."
And that was when something inside of me popped. I was absolutely Gobsmacked as the British like to say. Every word he heard out of my mouth was an excuse to him. He lost 75 pounds, so that meant I was a lazy excuse maker. I looked at my mother exasperated because I did not mean anything I had said as an excuse, but as problems that I have been dealing with my whole life. I looked to her to translate. That is why I let her into the appointment. Thank goodness another person to help the Dr. understand, but she didn't, instead offering my Poly-Cystic history, which he nodded though with no interest.
Then my mother asked about a transplant. He said not with out losing weight, getting my blood pressure under control and my blood sugars normal. I wanted to choke him right then and there. I have NEVER had my blood pressure under control since I was 10 years old. I was screaming by the end of the appointment. I want help! I want someone to get that I am not in the normal percent. I just keeping fighting and doing the same tests over and over. I keep trying to do what the Drs. want. Did you know I was told to go on 3 different diet plans when I left the hospital the first time?
First they had me do the diabetic diet, then they wanted me to do a high protein plan since I was dropping protein in my urine. But the kidney Dr, said that was ridiculous, but she wanted me to go on a low potassium diet. All of this within 3 months. The Doctors don't know what to do and instead of admitting their own fault. They pin it on me.
Dr. P wants me to take a stress test that I have already done. He wants to start at the beginning of a disease that I have been suffering through for 3 years now. I do the test again and again,,,this will be number 3.....with the doctor being just as stumped at the end of it. I don't know if I can see him again after the flood of bad feelings I have toward him. I was suppose to go back to him yesterday, but I canceled it. because the appointment for the chemical stress test was canceled on me. I don't know if I can stand going back to this Kidney Dr, but there are only 2 in this town. I told Mom I would do dialysis for a year and then we would talk. What really cut deeply into me was my mother. I don't normally talk to her about the hurts that happen to me constantly, but that Kidney Doctor really hurt me this time. But I was reminded why I never talk about the Dr since my mother manged to rip the fire out of me. When leaving the office I did not want to look at him my anger was so consuming me. Then my mother apologizes to him! She apologized for my behavior to him!. Everything went dark inside of me. If my own mother was ashamed of me or didn't understand why I was fighting then I felt like everything was over.
The next day I got enough nerve to ask her why she had apologized to the Dr. that was being so mean to me. She came at me hard. "You know I really don't want to be yelled at about the Doctor." "Fine. I just thought I could talk to you about the way I was feeling, but I guess not." I got up and walked away crying because that's the real rub isn't it. Not being able to talk about the way I really feel. I can't just blurt out my feelings to anyone. I must feel secure and who would I have a relationship like that with?
I went back to see Dr. Pambid. It has taken 2 years of tests to show him what I have been explaining since the beginning. I asked him 3 times in that appointment. What do you want me to do? I take my meds. I eat one meal most days with a snack. What do you want me to do? He did not answer me.
And that is what has happened all of my life. I let the doctor do his tests. I let him yell at me. I let him see the truth. And at the end of it all they say I don't know. I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt. I have taken all my medicine I have change my eating habits. I have done everything asked of me within reason. So when is enough, enough? My daily life sucks! I manage to keep going, but I don't write in here the pain of just existence. Maybe I am just making excuses. Maybe I am destroying myself. I'm overwhelmed with sadness because I can't tell anymore.
