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Friday, July 27, 2012

My Family

This is my Family.  There has been an addition of another spouse and more children since this picture was taken.  The little boy is now 15 years old and not so little any more.  Can you guess who I am related to?  Go ahead guess.  Forget what you know about me.  Who would you think I grew up with?.

Here is the most recent pic I have of our family.  My younger brother is getting married, but we are only missing 4 Grandbabies.
 
When strangers see the picture they think it is a family of girls.  I see why, you see red hair and assume, but the family I grew up with are the three boys in the back. I am the "big-boned" redhead between the boys. I never had a sister and I think it has affected my thinking process, of course my mother was not a girlie girl either. She likes to look good and boy, oh boy she likes to shop, but she doesn't pour her time and energy into fashion or concerning herself with what other people thought was fashionable. Which is quite a bubble to grow up in considering we lived in the Hollywood area, my Father worked in the TV and Movie studios.  What you were perceived to own was who you are.  He moved us to California to become a rock & roll star and we were surrounded by the lifestyle that comes with the area, the materialism was and still is rampant.

The two older boys are twins. They are 4 years older then me while my younger brother is 3 years behind me, so we never saw each other at school.  I was on my own there.  I remember when a strange man came to our apartment in Burbank, Ca.  He gave me a bendy Pink Panther as a present and took my brothers away for the day.  It was then I found out that he was the father of the twins.  I remember being very upset to learn that they didn't belong to Dad and in reality they were only half-brothers.  How horrifying.  I believed he was there to change my family.  Pretty complex thinking for a six year old.  It is important to know that they have a different father because they did things and made decisions that were so foreign to me.  But when I looked at their father's behavior I understood better why they made their choices.  I didn't have to worry about him.  The boys father wasn't in their lives much and they have to deal with that.  I had a steady home life which I am so grateful for because I am known for a very hard little heart and it would have turned to stone if my parents had divorced.
Here is my younger brother.  Everyone thought he was the cutest thing on the planet with his curly red hair.  We fought like cats and dogs.  I didn't think he was so special.  I thought he was given everything and everyone loved him.  The boys had the difficult task of having me for a sister.  I can't speak for them and I won't.  I will only write what I felt and still feel today.  That they have a boys club, with a sign on the door that says "No Girlz Allowed!"  I hear of them meeting for food and to watch movies.  They had game nights every week that I was never invited to.  I was never included and that is not an exaggeration.  I understand.  Who wants their sister tagging along and an ugly one at that, but it feels more like they are embarrassed to know me.

My younger brother has good reason to resent me.  He was tortured following me in school.  I was a target.  My school life was a living hell.  I would make myself sick with the stress of it and I thought it would be over when I graduated, but no.  As soon as they heard my brother's last name he was marred with my reputation and suffered abuse for being related to me.

And here are my parents.  My mother was married before, which shocks me all the time because she is the most loving and sweet person.  She lets my dad have his temper which I don't care for, but he is a strange mixture of pure Italian and Connecticut Yankee.  He grew up in a mixed marriage where he had the screaming, loud Italians on one side and the proper upper crust on the other.  He spent his life on a farm that was built in 1797 and is a museum unto its self.  If you read the book 1776 George Washington describes the Connecticut Yankee and it isn't that flattering.  They were more concerned about their homes then fighting the Revolutionary war and it frustrated the future president. I tell you this because I have come to learn over the years that I am my father's daughter.  My traits come from the stoic Peck line.  I look at my mother's side of the family and I am completely baffled by their behavior.  I knocked personalities with her family as I grew up since she had 8 children in her family who all got married and had a combined 27 kids while my father only has one brother who never had any children.

My younger brother is more like Mom and it is funny that my mother and I are the best of friends and you can say the same thing about my father and brother.

My parents are very loving.  I am so grateful that I don't have horror stories within my own family.  My Mother was my savior and best friend.  I am shunned by society for one reason or another and my mother let me be myself, even if I was rough around the edges.  She encouraged me to entertain myself through projects.  I learned how to be creative because she wasn't afraid to have a terrible mess through out the house.  She started making felt dolls and as I got older I helped with her business giving me some strange and obscure skills sets. It provided me with money and since I am not good at interviews or people I was able to avoid getting a real job.

We have opposite creative styles , but we are able to work well with one another.  And I am not joking, the lessons started in youth served to keep me sane and still do.

My brothers are all married to wonderful women.  We talk often of how lucky they are to have the families they have been blessed with.  Right now a twin just had his fourth child, the other twin has three children and the youngest almost has three.

I am single.

Friday, July 20, 2012

My Disclaimer

Thank you for the positive support.  I am a bit surprised that people care what I have to say because to be perfectly honest I don't care about other blogs.  I think blogs are stupid and I have resisted doing this for 2 years, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I am very isolated right now both in where I live and how I think compared to the fair southerners of Virginia. 

I have to write a disclaimer.  I will most likely offend someone in the process of writing this blog.  I have a habit of speaking my mind and it gets me into trouble all the time.  I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  I have been told that I shouldn't stay silent, that I have great things to say.  Then I go to church on Sunday, with other people and I feel  the spirit strongly urging me to speak a truth 'till I feel like I am going to burst.  I love it when there is one person in the room who "gets it", unfortunately there is usually a counter-point person upset at my comment and the feel of the spirit vanishes.  I don't like that feeling, I don't like the spirit leaving me, so I have learned to keep my mouth shut.  Of course now I don't have to worry about it at all since I haven't been to church in 18 months.  It is to early for me and the time will never change since it is a small branch.

So let me say before hand I am very sorry if I write something that offends you.  These are my experiences from my point of view and they hold the conclusions that I have come to form in my twisted brain.  I have been treated very badly in my life and I am going to admit to times that I buckled under the pressure, but on the whole I am amazed at what I have been able to endure and still like the person I am.

I have felt Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's love for me.  They told me they love me and no person on this earth can replace what I feel for them.  I am more than willing to die for them, but what I am finding a lot harder is being willing to live in whatever circumstance is set before me.  I might not do it with a smile on my face, but I am doing it.

Why?

 I can't stand it anymore.  Laying awake in the dark trying to sleep.  I took a pill.  I read a boring book, but still the thoughts run around in my head, so I am writing them down.  Maybe if they are in the ether of Internet space they will leave me alone.

I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and despite all the reason I could have left the religion I decided at the age of 18 to see if the teachings were true for me.  If I was going to say I was a Mormon then I better have the knowledge and faith to back it up.  I will be writing about spiritual events just as much as I write about the Doctor and my on going health issues or my fight with the government for disability.  These are the issues in my life.

I don't have a family of my own.  I don't have a person who accepts my flaws and loves me any way.  I know that many people who are married are frustrate with their spouse, but I used to go to church and feel a surge of jealousy for all the women who were lucky enough to have a man willing to sit through three hours of church.  Three hours! Volunteering their time and more during the week.

 I have never had the comfort of another human being and like many people out there I wonder what is wrong with me.

I used to blame my weight.  I was freakishly fat.  I look at pictures and wonder how I ever survived that big.  I'm not that small now, but I did lose 80 pounds and had my large belly surgically removed.  It didn't matter, now that my kidney's are failing I am retaining water and just as fat as I was before the surgery.  It is really disappointing.

But it can't be only my weight that is causing people to treat me so badly.  There must be something wrong with me and really I can't figure it out.