I feel that I am one of the Forgotten, a lonely lost boy.
But it's Okay. I find it is a mutual dislike.
I never found my place in the world. I never found the group I belong too and now as sick as I am I don't have the energy that is needed to interact with others. I don't care. I really don't care. And I have no idea how to fix my attitude. I realize that the deep loneliness I feel is my fault, but I tried, I really, really did.
I grew up fat and ugly. I find it doesn't matter much any more, but when we were young it was very important how you looked. I grew up seeing the look of disgust on a persons face when I was told to sit next to someone by the teacher. I didn't blame that person for their reaction, I looked in the mirror, I understood what that person was being subjected too. I felt bad for them.
I am very conscious of negative body language. I shrink from it. I avoid that person because I feel that I am the cause of their discomfort and I feel it come at me in waves and I don't like it. I have avoided people as much as I could in social situations. I did not learn the positive signs from others. I can not tell if a person likes me. I am sure there were many missed opportunities.
Band was the first group I fell into. The Jr. High band teacher found me because my brother had been in band and asked me to join. I knew how to read music from piano lessons and I found myself in beginning band and concert band playing the clarinet. Then I heard the High School needed help with players for graduation and I got on the High School teacher radar. In eight grade I found myself getting up at 6 o'clock to practice on the field for Marching band, then driving back to the Jr. High for school and concert band then driving back to the High School for another practice til 6 o'clock at night. I got a great education in music, but I realized that I was not a musician. I could not relate to anyone in band. I was a very big girl at this time and I seemed older then I really was, plus with the influx of hormones the hair on my face started. I did not know how to deal with any of the personal things that were happen to me. I tried ripping the hair out with wax, but it was so tough it stayed. I used Nair to chemically remove the hair, but that irritated my skin. I had hair on my face and I was a big girl and every day I walked into band the trumpet players would say under their breaths. "Sasquatch!" I wish so much that it didn't bother me. I wish so much that the name just rolled off my back like water on a duck's back, but it didn't. I knew they were going to say it to me everyday, when ever the group saw me and yet it was still a surprise. My face blushing and a bright feeling exploding in my body every time "Sasquatch" was whispered to me in the middle of practice. I felt terrible and alone. I was different and it was easy to pick on me. I shrank into myself. I rather be alone than stand up to the abuse. I didn't want to be reminded of how I looked to other people. I imagined running away to a freak show, they always could use a bearded lady. I just couldn't deal with that and deal with the medical problems that were affecting my every day life, so the people got pushed to the side. Everyone, mean and kind, it didn't matter. I was a member of band, but I was not apart of the group.
I left band and turned to theatre. Now I had real hope for acting. I found that there are multiple levels in Drama. There are the cocky, beautiful leading roles, something that I learned pretty quickly hat I was not going to get, but then there is everybody else. More than beautiful people are needed to put a play together. I could be an actor.
The drama group was struggling when I found it and nobody was trying out for the plays. That is why I got a speaking role, a man's part because they just didn't have the people. I threw myself into every part of making a production. I learned how to set up the lights and the filters. I learned how to operated the light board. I brought my father in, who works for the movie and TV industry painting sets, with his help we came up with how to do complicated sets. I picked out the costumes we rented. And put a lot of work into upping the level of the productions we produced. In my senior year I had built up the program so much that we were able to do our first musical in 10 years. We had an over abundance of people trying out for parts. I had the choir involved and the band involved. It was quite a triumph from when I first started the program and there was only one boy in the class. I loved it. I loved being on stage. I loved getting to know the people. I found in theatre that everyone involved was screwed up in some way. I kind of fit in that world, but it is fleeting. The love and comradery only lasts as long as the play. It kills me every time. People I thought were my friend, some one I could see outside of the play were gone. I also didn't fit in that world because I was LDS (Mormon). I did not fill the hole in my soul with alcohol, drugs and sex, like the individuals in the production.
My Senior year I went to the Drama awards ceremony and was so heart broken when I received nothing. Do you get that? NOTHING. I had given so much to the program and I was forgotten once again. I did not go to award ceremonies very often because I was usually forgotten. I went to the teacher and asked what had happened. Why was I dissed like that? She apologized and had me write down everything I had done for the program. The list filled 2 pages front and back. It turned out that I had lettered 4 times over in Drama in only two years. But it didn't matter because nobody knew. I got the medals in the mail. All my work forgotten again. It happens all the time. It is good that I do things because I like it and not for the recognition, but since people don't seemed to remember me it has hurt my career. I have found that it really is who you know that gets you a job in this world.
I thought I would find my place at church, but even there I found myself forgotten. People knew who I was, but not much interaction with others on the level I wanted. I have had to learn that people are at different levels of understanding. I had a profound, perception changing set of events happen to me on my mission and after. Nobody showed me how to have a relationship with Jesus Christ I figured it out on my own using the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was lucky to have an amazing soundboard in my friend Shannon. Oh, I thank Heavenly Father for letting her come into my life.
I came home from my mission dying under the weight of what I had learned and seen and done. I wanted so badly to tell others what I had experienced, but it sounded crazy. I knew that Shannon had been on a mission before me and had been very honest about her experiences, some were not that great. I opened up to her and to have someone actually follow me down the rabbit hole to the deeper levels where I am comfortable was beyond amazing. I did not know how to speak appropriately in social situations. She was brave enough to tell me that what I had said as an observation, not meaning any malice actually hurt her feelings. I knew that I had a problem with offending others and during this time Shannon helped me understand what I was doing. I found it took so much work and was boring to stay in the shallow zone when talking to someone. But I learned how important that is if you want to be apart of a group. I was more successful navigating the workplace which happened to be in the Theatre
She let me apart of her life. I was there when she became pregnant with her second child. She told me the truth of what it was like to carry a child and give birth. I was there with the little baby and saw what it took to take care of that little thing. It is through her that I learn of the sacrifice that women give to their children. I admire any woman who is able to stay home. I saw through her eyes how much work it was to have anything to do with a person outside of your little family. I saw that people were not forgetting me on purpose. They were just busy with their own live, which made the situation worse. I am single without children and right now I don't fit in with my peers once again.
Shannon let me come over after spending the week in college earning my Fashion Design degree. I found myself apart of the homosexual group and I was trying to figure out why I kind of fit with them. Shannon was there to hear my question and ponderings. She was there to hear me, which I am so gratefully for. I felt forgotten by everybody else. My peers were busy with their babies. I am outside the box. I am a square peg that is being pushed into a round hole. A person can only stand me for so long and unfortunately that is true vice versa.
I don't mind being forgotten. I figured out a while ago that I like to swim at the very bottom of the pool. I like to be deep and think of the greater meanings of life. I like to question and I like to understand. Most of the people I have meet like to live in the shallow end. They like the basics in life, find success in having a big house and a new car. I am bored by those people.
And then the people that have trauma, who are fighting against the social norm by body modification or are doing destructive behaviors like drugs or sleeping around. They tell me they are happy and I want to see if they really are, but I find that they are lying to themselves. I really do feel for them and want to help, but it never seems to work out that way. Instead of them wanting to be better they want me to start the drugs. When that happens I have to distance myself.
With this move to Virginia I really am forgotten. I didn't want to move here. When I visited my parents I knew that moving would be the death of me. I put it off as long as I could, but my Kidney Doctor at the time was honest and told me I wouldn't get better. And I was doing fantastic compared to now. I remember in Simi a woman asked if I was excited to move back with my parents and I flat out replied no. I am a city girl. I am used to large amounts of people. I am used to civilization. We are lucky to have a Wal-Mart in town, other people have to drive for miles to get grocery's. I miss Baja Fresh and Pick up Stick. I miss getting a Red's salad delivered. Nothing is delivered here. It is awful to be starving and having to depend on your parents to get food.. I never ate McDonald's in California, but here it is the best quality fast food., I am not used to this. I am used to having the best meat and produce from Costco up the block. To find anything here you have to drive an hour. An hour! I physically can't do that, so I feel trapped. I feel like I am in a cage.
It was hard enough being different when I had a bunch of people to pick through. I am too sick to leave the house and very few people know that I exist. I feel like all the skills I learned with Shannon are being lost. Why would I keep them when some days I don't talk to anyone. Nothing leaves my throat. I am to blame for being forgotten. Not only can I not physically go to anyone's house. I can not talk on the phone. I refuse to answer it. It is bad. I don't know if it has become a phobia. I just have nothing to talk about. Some days I am lucky if the pain will let me get out of bed. I don't want to talk about my sickness. I don't want to talk about the Doctor visits, but that is all that happens to me. I am not defined by my pain, but that is all I have at times.
I want this phase of my life over. I don't know what will happen next. What is interesting for me is that of course it wasn't going to change. I laugh at myself now thinking that I would find a friend to stay with me. I learned in childhood how to entertain myself. I know how to be alone. I don't have any interest in being apart of a group. I see myself living in a nursing home because I can't take care of myself. I guess when I am forgotten sitting in my room I will be used to it.
