Fear

The picture I used to announce my mission.

I was so full of fear I am very surprise I didn't head for self destruction.  I am kind of confuse why I didn't.  I never looked to drugs for comfort or support.  I had no desire to experiment with alcohol or anything else that would lower inhibitions.  And now that I write that statement I understand.  Besides my being taught not to turn to the false euphoria within my own religion and by my parents it was again fear that held me back.  What would I do if under the influence?  I knew what horrible base animals people could be and I felt I had to be on guard.  I am amazed at the girls drinking and partying and putting themselves into danger.  Your whole life is stunted when you realize that other people will not protect you and indeed will take advantage of a situation.  What would happen to me if my mental abilities were compromised?  Not something I wish to contemplate.

The fear was one of the only emotions I felt.  Hurt and fear.  It didn't even blossom into anger. I was thought I was very calm considering the turmoil I was under.  I'm sure if you talk to other people from my childhood you may hear a different story, but for me I was quite calm in public  I think I only really blew up at my mother, otherwise I kept myself under control because of the fear.  I couldn't do anything because of the fear.  I wasn't very practical either.  I did not know how to do basic everyday living.  I hate the phone.  I hate calling people on the phone.  I hate talking on the phone.  I do not like the disembodied voice on the other end of the line.  It is not a connection to me, it is an inconvenience.  I have gotten better.  I do not think the person on the other end of the line will hang up on me as soon as they hear my voice anymore, but it still takes me days to get ready to talk to someone on the phone.  It is never an easy process for me.  I have to explain too much.  I have to try and communicate without my face and it just does not work very well.  So I avoid the phone.  Not good.  I hardly went out with other people, so I had manners fit for my family, but not with the norms of society.  I realized this through out my life and I have tried my best to smooth out the rough edges, but it is hard to see, let alone admit to my own failings.

I had a very important lesson that helped me to overcome my fear.  I found myself out on a mission for my church.  It was never in my plans.  I did not plan for 18 months of service to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints, but that is where I ended up.  I will talk in later posts how that happened and the journey I embarked on, but for now I was 4 months in with my 3rd companion.  My mission was the Billings, Montana mission, but that included some of Wyoming in the area.  I was in Worland, Wyoming trying to build back a reputation of responsible capable missionaries after the fiasco of my last companion.

I wanted to be a good missionary.,  I wanted to be seen in a spiritual way and I wanted to teach.  I was good at teaching, but I never seemed to be able to find anyone to teach.  I was forced to do the drudge work.  I believed in paying my dues.  My companion and I went around knocking on doors every day, hours a day.  That was the only work to do.  The members were very impressed to see us burnt red when we went to church.  I learned I was allergic to sunscreen and would bust out in a rash.  We walked so much my feet hurt constantly and I had to wear my muck-lucks(snowshoes) all the time because they had more support inside them.  We began to know the town better then the locals who had lived in Worland their whole lives.

My new color after walking the streets of Worland, Wyoming

It was during this time when I figured out that I was paralyzed with fear.  I hoped that no one would be home when we knocked on the doors and when it did open I had no idea what to say.  I wasn't clever.  I wasn't witty.  I seemed slow and stupid.  My poor companion blew up at me asking why I didn't help her,  Why didn't I take the lead?  I sat there with my mouth open because she was right.  I was a dead weight to her, but I did not know what to do.  My mission had been a series of unfortunate events so far and she was actually teaching me how to work.  I think I expressed this to her because she calmed down after I tried to explain.

I had to improve.  I had to do better.  I felt it inside, so I did what I do best.  I observed.  I looked.  I watched and I listen.  My companion surprised me with her love of the scriptures.  I had only seen them used as a way to fight with other religions in a term called "Bible Bashing"  I wasn't into showing off my lack of knowledge, so I did not like to participate in that activity, but the Elders (male missionaries) liked to show off.  My companion read the scriptures for our personal study time and seemed to get something out of them.  She had knowledge at the end of her studying that she did not have in the beginning.  That fascinated me because I did not have that experience with the scriptures.  They confused me and did not make much sense.  At one point I saw my companion kiss her scriptures and say how grateful she was for them.  I did not understand that love, but I admired it.  I read the scriptures like a novel and it bothers me a lot because it seems more like a fantasy(my favorite kind of books).  I am unable to glean the truth out of it.  I have the same problem with Shakespeare.

So I knew I had a problem.  I was so fearful of everyone I met that I was unable to open my mouth and if I wasn't going to talk then there was no reason for me to be out there spending time and money.  I decided to turn to the scriptures for help.  We use 4 different books as our body of scripture.  The Bible, King James edition with old testament, new testament and bible dictionary.  Then on top of that we have The Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ and the record of his visiting the peoples in the Americas.  This book if you believe is the Word of God is one of the basic reasons for being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints.  Also included is The Doctrine & Covenants.  This is from the very beginning of the forming of the Church and the rules and differences of the gospel.  It holds revelations to our first president and prophet Joseph Smith.  Finally there is a Book called The Pearl of Great Price.  That book is a translation of ancient scrolls.  It has the story of Mose and Abraham in more detail.

I am not here to tell you that they are true and the Word of God.  I am telling you that they are a resource in the life of a member of the LDS church and as a missionary for that church I should have some knowledge of there content.  I do personally believe that they are ture scriptures about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and a resource in understanding my place in the plan of happiness.

I had grown up with the works and I have used them most of my life.  I was used to there format and to the extras in the books.  I did not know that the footnotes had been a huge undertaking for the church.  Each scripture has little letters above certain words and you can look at the footnotes to find a definition of the word or a listing of other verses to help you understand the concept.  This is how I decided to study.  Instead of reading the book as I would a novel I decided to look up the subject of fear and look for what the scriptures would say on how to overcome it.  I started in the Topical guide in the back of the bible dictionary.  Looking up the word fear I found a list of scriptures in all the books with the word "fear" in it.

I skimmed those that didn't seem to help.

fear not, for I am with thee, Gen. 26:24 (Isa. 41:10).

Fear and dread shall fall upon them, Ex. 15:16

...and so on.  If  found one I thought would help I would look it up, but I wasn't finding what I needed to help me until I can across this scripture.

1 John. 4:18
18 There is no ^afear in ^blove; but perfect ^clove casteth out fear: because fear hath ^dtorment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

19 We ^alove him, because he first loved us.

20 If a man say, I love God, and ^ahateth his ^bbrother, he is a ^cliar: for he that loveth not his ^dbrother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not ^eseen?

21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who ^aloveth God love his brother also.

I read that scripture and I despaired.  I didn't hate my fellow man, but I knew I could not love them.  Was I breaking one of the greatest commandments?  How could I continue if I was?  The problem was I had felt a perfect love.  I did not know how to generate it myself, but I knew it existed, so I had to figure out what was meant by "perfect love."

I looped around in the footnotes and dictionaries trying to find the answer when I found this scripture.

Moroni 10:32

32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

To be perfected by Jesus Christ is I believe the reason that we are on the earth.  It isn't to be perfected by my parents or my neighbors or even the people at church.  I am to be made perfect by trusting in Jesus Christ and what I feel is the best for me.  With this new knowledge of Jesus Christ's purpose and the fact that perfect love can only be achieve through Him I read the first scripture again.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 1 Jn. 4:18

There is no fear in love!  It is impossible to feel those two emotions at the same time.  I knew I couldn't love my fellowman, but I could love Jesus Christ.  That was a huge break through for me.  I was on a mission because I loved Christ not for the people.

I wish the lesson became apart of me from that moment, but realizing the truth for myself and putting it into practice were two completely different problems.  I had more terrible heartaches after this experience, but I kept to what I knew to be true.  I learned the next step and when I came home from my mission I was completely devoted to God.  I had to learned to put Them first and I felted extremely rewarded by feeling and partaking of Their spirit.

The next part of the lesson was learning to trust God and following through with the promptings I felt, but that is another story.  The point is because I had found God's love for me I was able to conquer my fears.  If something was important to me then I reached for the perfect love.  I knew it wasn't a right choice for me if I was unable to feel the love. 

I am so grateful for being able to overcome fear.  I see it paralyzing others and my heart breaks for them.  Fear is the most paralyzing emotion that stops us from reaching true perfection.  I am grateful for the love I can feel and for the profound affect it has on me.  It is awe inspiring what we can do if we feel loved.