Re-Thinking

I was going to quietly stop writing on this blog and go on with my life.  I thought that posting would give me a chance to start a conversation.  I thought being honest would connect me to others and fulfill the ache inside of me, but that isn't what has happened.

Instead, I feel like people who know of me know too much about me without the proper prep work.  I have to look at this process in a different way, because I really do not have anyone to talk to and that I will admit it is my fault.  Since being told by my Doctor that I was going to die within a couple of years I have withdrawn.  I confess.  The Doctor was wrong.  I am hovering at sick, but people don't know how to deal with the chronically sick.  I understand, you die and get out of the way or you get better and get back to work.  I don't like being in this limbo, so I keep to myself.

The thing is I like to think.  I like to muse and to ruminate and I like what I come up with.  Those are the conversations I miss.  I don't care about the weather or your kids.  I miss the down and dirty discussions on an observation.  I don't care about politics or religion.  I care about behaviours and views.  I care about the Why?  So, I find this blog fulfilling because I have a place to put those thoughts down and they go somewhere.  I feel like I have accomplished something unlike when I write these thoughts into my journal.  In my journal the thoughts are for me and don't go anywhere, but here in this forum people are reading and that is a subtle power.

So I plan to keep going, but what I write will be for me.  Memories, observations, simulations and musings that I would like to remember and you dear reader will be an after thought.  Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh, but it is true.

So here is a story that was jogged to my mind.  It isn't important, but we are made up of our stories.  How we interact with others and how we share are the connections we make.  Our individual stories are important and I had one of mine pop into my head with no one to tell, so I am going to write it here.

I don't get to have the TV very much.  It's no big deal, I use the computer, but I get tired of it every single day, so when my parents left for the day to go shopping I took the opportunity to sit in front of the TV.  There wasn't anything to watch since it was the afternoon and I found myself stopping on an older version of the Family Feud game show.  I stopped for a reason.  The host was Richard Karn, so the newer version of the show, but not the newest.  I stopped because they said it was a special edition week between the soap opera's "The Young & The Restless" and "General Hospital".  So what? you are thinking.  Why would that fact make a difference?  Well, I'll tell you.  I know one of the actors from school.

I caught the acting bug when my band career got cut short in my Junior year of High School.  I always liked performing, but in my High School you could only choose one performing art class, so if you were in Marching Band forget Choir or Drama.  I really wanted a talent agent, but my Mother said I would have to wait until I was 18 and legal to go on auditions by myself.  That statement was pretty ironic since it was also really expensive for me to drive before 18, so when I did get an agent I was afraid to drive in downtown LA traffic and made her take me to all my auditions!  (I will do a post on my short lived acting career.)

One of the deals with my going to Community College was that I got to pick my classes and so I picked every acting class that I could go to.  It was a small close knit sub group and it helped me to feel a part of something.  That is the thing with performing.  I may not have gotten the lead roles, but characters are needed to flesh out a world, so I would almost always get something.

I was actually casted in the College theatre production of "Dark of the Moon".  Every play I have done has been a wonderful experience, except for one and this one was not any different.  I don't hang around with the lead characters they are usually too popular for me.  I tend to be on the bottom rung of the ladder.  The Lead actor was Josh.  He was handsome and cocky.  He was in the middle of audition for "The Young & The Restless" during the prep for this play.  I remember when he ended up getting the part.  Our teacher was gushing about how Josh had "made it", that he was now set for life and here I was 20 years later watching this person on an old episode of a game show.  Funny how things work out.  But he is one of the only people that I knew to gain a measure of success.

Funny fact about Josh and that play we were both in.  I found out later through some good old fashion drunk gossip that he had slept with every girl cast in the play.  I felt mad because he never approached me.  Ahhhhh, vanity, even when I was close to 300lbs my feelings were still hurt at the perceived slight, so foolish.