The Experience that has Helped Me in my Sickness

I have received some accolades for how brave I am and how strong I am.  First, let me say, Thank you for the kind words that have come my way.  They really do help.  And second I would like to share with you an experience that has helped to heal me emotionally, spiritually and even a bit physically.

As you know I said that I would be sharing what my religion has done to support me in this strange way of life I have found myself in.  I am not physically able to go to church, so that has made it hard for me to get to know the other people who share my beliefs.  I do not have the safety net here in Virginia that I once had in California.  I mean when you see certain people at church every week and then work with them in a church job. (No one is paid in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) You get to know who you trust and who you like.  I haven't had that opportunity, but I do have very active Home/Visiting Teachers who I have grown to love because of their visits.  (A Home Teacher is male.  The Visiting Teacher is female.  They are other members of the church who are assigned to go to your home and hopefully become your friend.  They are the link to finding out your needs and the major way that the church takes care of its members.)

When my eye blew, my Mother told on me to our Home/Visiting teachers (Ours is a husband and wife team.) and hinted at given me a Priesthood blessing.

(The word Priesthood is used in all different faiths.  The formal definition of Priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is: The Priesthood is the authority and power that God gives to man to act in all things for the salvation of man.   I have always known the Priesthood to be the authority to act in God's behalf and one of the things we believe can be done with that power is the healing of the sick by the laying on of hands.) 

I felt awful because I said no.  It did not feel right to me and I did not know how to explain it.  I still don't because it makes me sound I am being prideful and unfaithful.  But here's the thing.  Why get a blessing to heal the sick when I am chronically ill?  Yes, I do believe in miracles.  I do believe God can heal me, but he isn't the magical genie in a bottle that we treat Him like.  To every season and right now, my season is to be sick.  I did not see how a blessing that would not "cure" me would help, so I said no.  Then, when I started having so many Doctors appointments my Dad said, "I think Becky should have a blessing."  And again I felt like a complete Jerk saying no in response.

I started seeing a Doctor almost everyday for hours.  I was so tired.  Hefting my weight out of the car, walking down hallways, blood being drawn, test, after test, after test, started to wear me down to the nub.  I didn't cry out "Why me? Lord."  I find that to be a very stupid phrase. Why not you?  What makes you so special?  No.  I wasn't shouting Why me? Instead I was saying something else in my prayers.

"I don't understand why the suffering." 

That is what I have been asking since 2010 and my first eye bleed.  Why am I suffering?  What is the suffering for?  What do I do with all of my suffering?  And then came my breakdown with the nurse.  I haven't ever experienced such a feeling of utter despair.  I sat in that chair looking at my two option.  Either Dr. Vogal was going to do the laser surgery and cause me a skull-splitting amount of pain or I was going to have to drive home, wait, drive back and then he would cause me a skull-splitting amount of pain and I snapped.  The nice nurse asked me what was wrong, but there wasn't anyway that I could tell her about all the Doctor appointments or being blind and having everything slowly being taken away from me.  I couldn't described the truth that I felt like I was going to die and why should Dr. Vogal even bother.  All of it surged over me and all my calmness, practicality and reasoning left me.  The suffering became too much.

Dr. Vogal was very compassionate and got me through the surgery.  You can read about it here in My Recent Health Scare.  Even my Mother saying, "Oh, Poor baby!" After I came out from the surgery helped to soothe me.  She never says stuff like that to me.  I went home and went to bed at 8pm, an unheard of time for me.  I normally go to bed at 2am.  I remember saying again before I fell asleep.

"I don't understand why the suffering."

Since I went to bed so early, it meant I woke up early.  6am to be exact and in the quiet of the dark morning with my eye irritated and feeling like it had something in it, I felt strongly that I needed to get a blessing.  I follow my feelings and the decision was made to ask for help.  After being up for about 5 hours, I fell asleep again and did not wake up until afternoon.  I approached my Father, who is the priesthood holder in my house and said, "Are you feeling happy today because I need a blessing."  He responded positively, but a blessing for the sick requires two priesthood holders and I told him that President James (He is called that because he is the President of our Branch which is equal to being a minister of the congregation.) had offered his services.

After some wrong phone numbers on my Dad's part, I pick up my cell phone and called his wife, who I have been teaching in quilt class and she is also my parents visiting teacher.  She asked me how I was doing.  She knew all about my eye surgery.  I told her the truth.  "Ah, not very well.  I need your husband to come over and give me a blessing." When I called I thought he would still be at work, but instead she answers.  "Do you want him to come now?"  I stumbled for a moment because I was expecting them to come after dinner, but I thought Why not? and said "Sure, come now."

That should tell you A. How much we have come to trust them because we didn't worry about presenting the perfect picture to them.  They were going to see us warts and all. an B. That I knew what was going to happen was too important to put off.  I need to give the James' credit because they could have easily blown me off.  He had spent a hard day at work.  He wanted to eat dinner and relax, not go off and take care of another person's needs.

They arrived and I told them what was going on.  It was the first time I had told anyone the whole story.  We prepared for the blessing and their are two parts, the main reason why you need two people.  The first part is a tiny drop of blessed oil specificly for the healing of the sick is placed on my head and that is when a special prayer is said by one of the presithood holders to "annoint the oil".
(James 5:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:)
Then the second part is a freeform prayer known as the "sealing of the annointing".  When not done for the sick, but more as a comfort, as in a Father's blessing that we did before the school year; I remember the family gathering around and my father giving us each a blessing one by one, the first part with the oil is left out.  I believe with my whole heart that if I am in the right place and the speaker is in the right place that we can experience something beyond ourselves.  We can touch a higher power.  It is believed that the speaker is trying to translate those feelings from God into words that we can understand.  That is one of the responsibilities of having the priesthood.  I am one of those that have faith that the words spoken in the blessing are being said directly to me by a loving Heavenly Father who is trying to communicate to me through a world filled with a cacaphinay of noises.

What surprised me was my Dad.  I thought he would do the second part because as the priesthood holder in my family he has first pick, but as I was sitting in the chair he asked, "You want President James to give the blessing?"  I was a bit taken aback.  I just assummed Dad would do it, but I stammered out a short. "Yeah, sure."  Everything started.  I was paying attention (blessings are not recorded), but everythings else blew away when President James said these words...

"You will understand why the suffering.  You don't know how many of God's Angels have been supporting you."

He used the exact same words of my prayers! The EXACT same WORDS!  That means something profound to me.  That means to me that I am being listen to by a Higher Power.  In that moment I felt all the cracks and breaks fill up with a kind of spiritual glue.  I felt myself become whole like a ceramic plate that had been droped on the ground, but there were no cracks, I was made whole.  Why?, you ask, because just like I got through the eye surgery because of Dr. Vogals compasion and concern for my well being, so too can I get through the suffering if God is aware of it and cares about me.  I still don't know why the suffering.  I may never know in this mortal life, but knowing that a being greater than me is aware of me out of billons of people on this Earth helps.

Now, I wrestled myself on whether I was going to write this experience down.  So many of you reading this can write this off, but I felt it was too important in the eveloution of who I am to not include it as apart of my story   I want to thank the James' for being willing to help me and to President James for choosing to be in the right frame of mind.  It would not have been the same if he had been grumbling under his breath.  Please if you are a member of The Church of Jesus Chirst of Latter-day Saints, please be a good Home and Visiting Teacher.  Go see if you can make a new friend.  Talk about the Gospel and how you integrate its teachings into your own life.  Don't only pay lip service to it.  I never believed I would find myself on the other side of the fence, but I have.  I never believe that I would look forward to their visits, but now I do.