I had a very normal childhood. It was just weird in the fact that there were no girls around me. The block they live on is a young child's life and my block only had a 17 years old girl and then a baby girl. In that way I missed out, but I have come to realize I am an introvert. I was wondering if it was nurturing that caused me to be that way, but now I believe it is nature. I do not need people to tell me my worth. I do not need people to be energized, in fact a group of people seems to suck the life out of me. I am not an extrovert. It has taken me a while to figure that out because I do really like the individual. I like to talk with one person and dig deep into their life. I can't stand idle chit-chat.I survived my teen years because I was an introvert or maybe it was so bad because I was an introvert. If I was an extrovert, maybe I would have been able to deal better with the attacks, but as it was I was rejected every day, multiple times a day when I was a teenager. Do you know how awful it is to be rejected? I had to develop a shield. I had to figure out a way to function. I had to figure out a way to deal with the constant "No, we don't want you. Go away". I've gotten a version of that sentence every single day for my whole 38 years life. Break that down into the number of rejections. So, I admit I was harsh and defensive in my youth.
Then in my 20's something very extraordinary happened to me. I haven't talked about it much because it was so very special to me and when I try to talk about it people have such a flat response it really does amaze me. As I wrote early on in my posts, I went on a mission and I experienced more kindness then I ever had before, but more importantly I was telling people that they could feel God's love. That they had the opportunity to expand their world and be happy. Well, I do not like being a hypocrite and I realized that I better get myself straight with this concept I was spouting to others. I began some soul searching and I was shocked when I figure out I never turned to God because I believed He would treat me the same as all the people had treated me....badly. I fixed that thinking and started to explore on my own. I had some very sweet spiritual experiences, much too important for me to write here, but those experience solidified my belief in a God.
And then I return home and the rejection started as soon as I step off the plane. I was super sensitive during this time after shedding my hardened body armor. It became so devastating for me when the same people that liked me on my mission when we served together began to reject me. Companions were hard, to swallow, but it destroyed me when Collins did not want to be my friend in the real world. I was in a tail spin and the depression was so very real. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. Well, with a success born of deep desperation I turned to God. Through a major spiritual experience I learned that God and Jesus Christ loved me and that I was important to Them. No rejection could touch me after that. For years I had the wonderful shield of Their love. I wanted so much to talk about it, but I learned that nobody wanted to listen to me. I figure out to keep my mouth shut. I will answer any question put to me, but I will not volunteer information. I refuse to "Throw pearls before swine."
During this time of feeling loved I could do anything, the rejection did not matter. I put in resume after resume for a job. I was rejected form everyone. My family thought I wasn't trying because I never told then of the constant failure. I could endure the No's, I couldn't talk about them. I was rejected constantly by men. They could not get past the way I look and I guess I can't blame them for that, but I had so much to offer. I wanted to be in the Fashion world, but it seemed to be a choice between that world or God's love and for me the choice was easy. You see you have to live by certain standards to be close to God and I wasn't going to give Christ up, no way. He loves me despite the way I look or what I did. He loves me. So when I was rejected I could handle it, in fact I wanted to flip the person off and say. "Ha, ha I'm loved, reject me all you want!" But that isn't very Christ like so I did not do it. The only problem with having God over a husband is the arms. I always thought that a man would step in and be the proxy for God's arms. Sometimes I really need a hug. Sometimes I want very much to be held and comforted and unfortunately that is something that I have found that Christ is unable to do for me in this life. But that is just a small complaint.
During this time of satisfaction and failure I developed a friendship with a male cousin. He had been on a mission and he like the way I talked. I don't do cliches. I don't give the usual Mormon answers. I am blunt and frank. He apparently liked that and we would talk to each other off and on for years. I was there for his marriage. I visited his new bride in their apartment and I was devastated when I heard of his divorce. And then a series of rejections hit at the same time. First I lost my job. It did not come as a surprise with all the teachers being fired in California because of the budget crises. My company had expand quite fast and I was one of the last people hired. I lost my health insurance along with my job. My health jumped ship. Then at the very same time I saw my cousin after a couple of years and he had rejected the Gospel that I loved. We no longer had anything to talk about and the loss was like a knife cutting into me. He had grown important to me and this rejection broke something inside of me, something very deep. I did not know if I ever wanted to care for anyone again. Not with that deep rejection. With all of these factor I lost the feeling of God's love. It has been devastating in a numbing kind of way. A big chunk of me really doesn't care. It is really hard to describe when I once felt like Christ was sitting on my shoulder, just like the old cartoon's.
The sickness has hit me hard. It is very possible to live with type 2 diabetes. My mother has had it for 20 years I believe and she has problems. Her feet hurt her and she has to take insulin. I don't want to diminish her pain, but it is like I zoomed past her and have terrible life threaten problems due to this disease. So with the shield of God's love gone I now have my disease to protect me.
My sickness allows me to be a hermit.
And I am so grateful for that. Because of the chronic illness I do not have the stamina for stupid people. I can't listen to idle chit-chat and luckily I now can beg off because I don't feel well. Once I stand I have to start walking or I won't make it to where I am going. It isn't that I don't want to stay and listen to a person talk, its just that I physically can't. My sickness provides me with a socially nice way of saying no and thank goodness for that. I don't want to be alone and I feel bad because I am not becoming a better person and I really want to be better, but I really am not physically able to handle the most basic of tasks.
Luckily. my mother in all her nosey nature started my quilt class. I live for my ebay auctions and for the quilt class. I am willing to endure any pain for that small time because really the company is so good I do not feel the pain. I love the class not for the quilting, but for the ability to speak freely. I care for the women that come into my home and allow me to not only share my talent with them, but more important to share of myself and they share of themselves. It is a real blessing and I wish more women would do it, so I could get to know them..
It is strange to think that there could be an upside to being chronically ill, but for me as an introvert, I am very grateful to have the shield that being sick provides. I haven't lost my faith in God and Jesus Christ. The memory of feeling Their love is still with me. I know I do not have the ability to feel it any more, but They still love me very much and knowing that is very important to me.
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