I can't stand it anymore. Laying awake in the dark trying to sleep. I took a pill. I read a boring book, but still the thoughts run around in my head, so I am writing them down. Maybe if they are in the ether of Internet space they will leave me alone.
I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and despite all the reason I could have left the religion I decided at the age of 18 to see if the teachings were true for me. If I was going to say I was a Mormon then I better have the knowledge and faith to back it up. I will be writing about spiritual events just as much as I write about the Doctor and my on going health issues or my fight with the government for disability. These are the issues in my life.
I don't have a family of my own. I don't have a person who accepts my flaws and loves me any way. I know that many people who are married are frustrate with their spouse, but I used to go to church and feel a surge of jealousy for all the women who were lucky enough to have a man willing to sit through three hours of church. Three hours! Volunteering their time and more during the week.
I have never had the comfort of another human being and like many people out there I wonder what is wrong with me.
I used to blame my weight. I was freakishly fat. I look at pictures and wonder how I ever survived that big. I'm not that small now, but I did lose 80 pounds and had my large belly surgically removed. It didn't matter, now that my kidney's are failing I am retaining water and just as fat as I was before the surgery. It is really disappointing.
But it can't be only my weight that is causing people to treat me so badly. There must be something wrong with me and really I can't figure it out.
I am excited you are writing this blog. I have been a weak friend but do care what you have to say. I will actually follow your blog. It will be the first.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Becky!
ReplyDeleteWriting is therapeutic, I've found. It really helps in trying to figure things out and there's no better way to vent. We pray for you daily.
ReplyDeleteI just burst into tears. I love you and it makes me so angry and so incredibly upset that we all treat each other so horribly sometimes. Keep writing. It does help. I am somewhat hopelessly far from so many of the family, but I hope through this we can become closer. All love to you.
ReplyDeleteI think it wonderful that you took the initiative to explore your faith. Too few people do this. They rebel against what they're raised with for rebellion's sake, or they follow blindly like lemmings. Neither is healthy! You are an example to follow!
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