Our Choices make Us who we Are

At the End of this post is the story of when I auditioned for Season 2 of Project Runway

This is the post I originally wanted to write, but when I sat down to write my thoughts I realized there was a whole lot of background that I had to share first. 

At the time, I was very upset at the choices people around me were making because as much as you hear. "It's my life.  I can do what I want."  That is just plain false.  Every decision a person makes affects someone else, even if they never know it.  So with the great 20/20 hindsight I now have, I took the time to share the highlights of a 3 year period that formed me as an adult.  Most ignored my post on Why I went on a mission, but it was important because of the timing.  If I had not waited the extra year I would have missed Cory, Dusty, seeing a baby born, Sister G and learning how to work.  I would not have decided to go back to Montana and I would most certainly have missed meeting Collins and the night that changed my heart and mind.

I went back home with a new dedication instilled in me.  I am sorry for my attitude, but People are horrible, terrible monsters that should be hidden from.  I hate people.  But I learned that the individual person can be the most special, wonderful example of love.  I was willing to accept a person on a personal level, which was a huge leap forward for me, because of my previous experiences.  That was very important to my own personal growth. 

And because of my willingness to accept others I had to learn how to accept myself, so I decided to really look at me.  I was willing to face the horrible dark reality that was myself.  I looked at situations and my interactions with others on a different level. I spent hours pondering my reactions. I tried so hard to put myself in their place and try and see the same event through their eyes.  I figured out that 9.9 times out of 10 it was a miscommunication that would hurt my feelings. I began to notice that the people I encountered on a daily bases didn't notice me at all.  They didn't care about me and when I started to realize this fact it made interacting with them a whole lot easier.  I started to see that I had a choice in how I would handle my feelings and how I would express them.  I have the choice on what I want to be surrounded by.

Choice is what separates us from the animals. We, as humans, can choose to overcome our base animal instincts. We can do more than fight or flight. We can destroy our families with the selfish choices we make or we can lift those we love with the simple choice on how we will react to a problem. I respect the ability to choose. I am so grateful for that, so grateful that I am willing to handle the consequences of a bad choice.  The simple act of choosing is an awe-inspiring gift that is so often wasted.

So, What do you do when someone else's choice screws you? 
AAhhhhhh, That's the catch, isn't it.

That is where the bad in this world comes from. That great and stupid argument for the fact that there is no God. "If there was a kind and loving God, why would he allow the suffering in the world?" Because as human beings we are allowed to choose. I bet if you point to a misery in the world, I could show you the bad choice someone made. And that is the very worst part about choice, isn't it? The freedom we have to make a real mess of everything.  I have noticed that Mankind seems to have this natural reaction to stupid choices. "Let's Ban anything that will cause harm because if everyone just did what I wanted then everyone would be safe, so I'll force them." Has that idea ever worked in the history mankind?

For myself.  I made the conscience choice to stick by my decision to find my God.  I made it a priority in my life to make that foreign concept something very important to me.  I find it so hypocritical when people seem to think my spirituality is a bestowed gift that I won in a lottery.  I have worked very, very hard to spurn those things that I knew would drag me away from my goal.  Often in church I would make a comment and hear others question me by saying,"Oh, that is because it is you. Becky.  You can do that. but I can't."  And to that attitude I say an infallible NO! I made the decision in what I would pursue and that was not money or fame.  I thought I wanted to be an actor.  I thought I wanted to be a Fashion Designer, but when I was confronted by the life, I knew that it wasn't for me.  Some family members act like I have some special powers that are impossible for them to obtain and I just shake my head in frustration.  Everyone, every person can have a stronger relationship with their Higher Power, but only if they choose it.

I have sacrificed everything to follow what I feel to be right.  I don't resent the sacrifice.  I was willing to pay the price for what I have obtained, but I do resent the fact that my sacrifice is not recognized by others.  It is very difficult to give up what you think you want.  But in doing so, I have gained the ability to take my disappointments in stride.  I still feel.  I still wish for a different ending, but because I respect the right of a person to choose, I can handle the reality of what their choice may cost me.

I don't tell people about this event in my life because I don't like having to explain my decision to others, but I feel like this is the prime example of the way I made my choices.

 I tried out for the 2nd season of Project Runway.

I had just graduated with an Associates degrees in Fashion Design and after watching the 1st season I felt like I could equal the other designers.  I didn't tell my family what I was doing.  The fact that I was willing to do such a public thing was very brave of me, but I couldn't talk about it.  Unfortunately, I didn't read through the email that was sent to me all the way through.  I missed where it said to bring 3 garments as an example of your work.  I only brought my portfolio, but I wasn't worried.  I had driven to downtown LA to go fabric shopping, so I wasn't afraid to find the hotel, but that turned out to be much harder than I thought.  This was before we had a GPS device, so I was wondering downtown LA unable to find this hip hotel because it was on a one way street.  I finally made the correct turn by accident and got ready to stand in line for the next step.  I barely made it to the sign-up before the cut off time.  They looked over my portfolio and I was accepted into the next step.  I followed a little peon into a hotel room where I was suppose to wait with about half a dozen other people, everyone shifting as thoose waiting the longest went out and new people came in.

I spent 6 hours waiting in that room and I experienced the microcosm of the Fashion industry during that time.  Every type of person that was attracted to this profession was stuffed into a small claustrophobic space and once again I found myself to be the odd man out.

There was an overabundance of gay men.  I already knew that to be the case from school.  There were some straight men, you could tell the difference because they were constantly hitting on the cute Blondie skinny girls that also seem to dominate the fashion scene.  The girls that do not know what it is like to have your looks work against you.  The girls who have never been ignored.  I did not see another "fluffy" person trying out.

I can get along with anyone for a short period of time, but it was very interesting to see first hand the type of people that were attracted to this certain line of work.  We had one extremist in the room.  The person who would do anything to get attention.  He seemed to be a nice man from my short time with him.  He had gone all out for this audition.  Just try to picture a tall lanky white man with a shaved head, sound OK, right, well he had on more make-up them most hookers.  It was beautifully done in a very tacky kind of way.  Bight blue eye shadow and dramatic black eyebrows.  I was familiar with this type of look from cross-dressers, but it was his choice of outfit that gave me dramatic pause.  He wore a black blazer that was cut like a woman's jacket, coming in at the waist.  That wouldn't have bothered me, but it was the fact he wasn't wearing any pants.  The blazer was just long enough to give the impression of nakedness underneath although he was wearing a speedo.  And to top the whole look off was a pair of shiny black stiletto heels.  He could have been the sweetest man in the world, but I wasn't getting that impression from him.  I just sat in that room wondering if I could possibly live with these people for any length of time because I knew that was a requirement of the show.

Finally we were hurried into a line outside the hall to meet with the panel of judges.  I messed up not bringing those garments and I was angry at myself for such a stupid mistake, but I tried to play it off with confidence.

I walked into the brightly light room to find 4 people sitting at a long judging table.  I recognised Tim Gunn, who is still the mentor on the show after 12 seasons.  I also recognised the runner up to the winner from the first season her name was Kara Saun.  Then there were 2 women from fashion magazines and I don't remember their names.  One was on the chunky side and I thought I may have a conspirator on my side, boy was I wrong.

They asked why I was interested in Fashion and I told them the truth.  I wanted beautiful, stylish clothes for the larger woman.  I was interested in helping everyone feel pretty.  Well you would have thought I was trying to open up a new chapter of the KKK from their reaction to my statement.  They ripped into me.  They bore their teeth and claws to tell me my idea was ridiculous.  They became personal in their attacks and I stood in front of them frozen.  I do not react well under that kind of stress.  If I felt comfortable I could explain better, but those women were not interest in what I had to say.  I knew all was lost.

Then Tim Gunn spoke up.  He liked what I said and even though he knew that I wasn't going to be called back for the show, He wrote his information on a piece of paper and asked me to get in touch with him later.  I left the interview and walked down to the relative safety of my car.  I sat down in the drivers seat with the door open to feel the twilight breeze brushing up against my sweaty forehead.  I stare at the piece of paper with Tim Gunn's info.  I replayed the day over and over in my head.  I realized I didn't want to be around any of those people ever again.  I didn't want to fight the darkness in their souls.  I didn't want to constantly have to find myself in the sea of their trashy thoughts.  I didn't want to break down any walls or become a pioneer.  I was interested in fashion for the huge power it has to make a difference in how we feel about ourselves and how we are perceive by others.

What we wear to the world demonstrates how we view ourselves.  I can tell so much about a person from their choice of clothing.  When I learned how to dress my body and present myself with grace and beauty it completely changed my view of myself.  I want that for everyone.  I want that positive blast of self confidence for every person to feel.  So why do I have to be denied that feeling because I am fat?  I also didn't agree with what the fashion industry thought was beautiful.  Too much of it is a popularity contest.  I always seem to come in last place with those competitions.

And so I made a choice, I guess at that moment, to turn away from the Fashion Industry.  I had no interest to be apart of the sinking, negative lifestyle that I saw paraded in front of me that day.  I put Tim Gunn's info in my portfolio to kept it safe and drove home in the thick LA traffic.

I thought about that little piece of paper a couple of times after my experience and this deep abiding fear overtook me.  I was terrified to even touch that paper and the feeling was so overwhelming I had to push it out of my head to even be able to breathe again.  I do wish I had email Tim Gunn.  I just came to recognise that fear to mean it wasn't a good idea for me.  I feel fear all the time.  I am in almost a constant state of fear, it seems to be my first reaction to any new idea, but I have learned to overcome the fear when it is something I need to do.  I can put it aside when I know something is right for me to do.  I could not put the fear aside when it came to that small piece of paper.

I ended up costuming shortly from there and doing that was the very best thing in the world to me.  I really thought that I would get to costume for a living, but alas, it wasn't so.  I still don't understand why that didn't happen.  I thought I did good work.

My point is that I choose what was more important to me.  After being surrounded by good honest people trying to do their very best following God and his precepts while on my mission, I just could not surround myself with the opposite.  I couldn't be around people who found their joy in fake spiritual experience.  They seemed to be so sweet and so kind, but as I got to know the people in the Entertainment & Fashion industries they became vampires, sucking away all the good I had  tried to build around me. I didn't want to leave the creativity and the beauty, but I had to for my own sanity.

 

I can't watch Project Runway.  My mother loves it and I DVR it for her, but I just can't stand the people.  I can't stand the reminder of how fast they are willing to take out the butcher knife and stab you in the back when you are not looking.  It brings up so many negative emotions in me that I just stay away.