Back in the Hospital

The Hospital that has become my second home.

 

I thought I would write on a scrap piece of paper while sitting alone in a hospital room.  Actually, Thinking about how to write my experiences down on this blog has helped me to come to terms with this unimaginable situation.  You see I want to write more on the emotional side of being ill, but I wasn't clear on how I really felt with the swirling of emotions I have been going through.  How do you not give up?  How do you endure?

I was surprised to find myself back in the hospital.  I went for a check up and my Doctor, himself rolled me to the admission area and said put this girl in the hospital.  It was Monday, the 16th of Dec.  I thought I would be out in time to celebrate Christmas with  the family that was coming to visit. The wound had become infected and I was so mad to lose the progress I had gained.  I could put my foot down with the aid of a walker at that point.  I found myself once again being prepped for surgery.  It was a cruel sense of deja vu.  My foot was once again clean out and the wound vac was attached to my foot.  A device that creates negative pressure that helps the flesh to grow back together.  It also takes the fluid and junk out of the wound.  I have to have on 24 hours a day.  I need to plug myself in all the time.  The hospital version was quite heavy and it was a pain to move around.  Finally I learned to put it in a certain place and then I would be tethered to it like a dog on a leash, then add the IV and I had hoses getting tangled.  It was pretty tough to go to he bathroom which I never wanted to do since it was such a pain in the butt.

I have horror story after horror story of the things that I have had to endure this past month.  Just today I was getting a new IV put in.  I told the nurse to use a smaller needle, but they hardly ever listen to me.  My veins are small, deep and roll away from the nurses.  Getting my IV is the worst experience.  I have brusies from blown veins and you can see the holes of all the needle pricks, but it doesn't matter how much they hurt you.  It has to be done.  So this nurse found a vein, but the needle was to big and the vein "blew" or will not accept the fluid.  It really hurts when that happens and the pain lasts for days after with huge bruises forming.                

 Result of a blown vein.  

Today I was watching the nurse work on me which I don't normally do.  I watched as the needle pushed out fell to the floor and a spurt of dark red blood spurt out of my hand.  I was shocked to see it happen, but after this last month it was old hat for me.  I grabbed a cotton ball and pressed  into the wound taken aback by how much blood.  She tried again and then gave up and got another person to come in and try.  The nurses were saying how well I was taking the bad results, but what am I going to do?  I wish I could say no.  I wish I never had to go to the torture chamber known as the hospital.  I now have to have a needle  embedded in my hand until my next visit.       

                                                                                              

Living with an IV needle every day.

While in the hospital I had to endure test after test.  I think they were going a bit overbroad with them, but that is because each test usually meant that I had to do something I didn't like.  They did an ultra sound of my kidney's and of my leg to check for a heartbeat.  They collect my urine for a 24-hour test to check my kidneys.  They scan my bladder.  They did a bone scan and the injected me with this horrible radioactive stuff to see the veins in my foot checking for blood flow. And I only found out what all these test were for because I would ask the technitions.  If I didn't ask question constantly then I would know nothing about my situation.  The nurses were surprised that I paid attention and remembered.  I was alone most of the time and I know that I have to be responsible for my own care.

I did rebel.  Stupid people are plentiful in hospitals.  This lady came up right when something horrible was happen to me and asked for a urine sample.  I asked back what it was for and she said a pregnancy test.  I said it really would not be nesscary since I do not engage in the behavior that would make me pregnant. (I said no.  I don't have sex.)  She came back and said she had to have my pee, so I could do the test.  I was so tried of not being believed.  I was so tired of no one listening to me that I refused to give her my pee.  I purposely peed away from the collection hat.  It ended up delaying the bone scan test until the next day.  I felt smug actually affecting the mess of people constantly bothering me.  They ending up taking blood, but the thing is I realized that in the hospital I have to do everything I hate. I wanted to scream just leave me alone! But it wasn't just leave me alone.  I also was dying for a connection to somebody.  I need a deeper form of interaction.  The hospital was killing me emotionally because it is so shallow in there.  I know it has to be like that, but it doesn't mean I will flourish in that type of environment.

It was important to me to be very nice to the constant wave of nurses that would come in every 12 hours.  Some were better than others, some you clicked with and some you don't.  I wish that the same rotation of nurses would come back.  It is hard for me to have a stranger take care of me.  I don't trust people in general and I wish that I could form some kind of connection with the person that was being paid to cause me pain, but also was my lifeline to information and care.  I can be fun and nice.  I like to act that way, but it is such a drain on me.  It was becoming more than I could bear.  Worse, they had the date written right in front of the bed and I was watching as the date was getting closer and closer to Christmas with no word from the doctor on when I could go.  I was getting very anxious and frustrated.

After 5 long days of being in the wound ward I was sent to the rehabilitation part of the hospital.  It is long term care and that kind of worried me.  That place was lonely.  The nurses left me alone for hours.  My mother hurt her leg before Christmas and could not come to visit.  It was amazing that we could find something to talk about on the phone every day for hours.  I like my Mom.  I got a couple of visitors, but basically I had a TV, kindle and cross-stitch.  My body hurt so much after being in the hospital so long..  That place has the most uncomfortable furniture in all of history.  My back hurt, so bad I couldn't sleep.  I was asking for pain pills to battle the body pain, not for my foot.  I also totally lost my appietite.  I kept getting low blood sugar attacks.  Once I felt it coming on and the RNA took my sugar.  It was 57.  I thought I was dying and she said don't worry it's only 3 points into critical.  For someone who has been dealing with 150 sugars the difference was almost beyond my ability to endure.

Meanwhile the 25th was coming closer.  I was praying all the time that I would get out by the 24th.  My family came to vist and here I am in the hospital.  I was feeling very desperate like a wolf stuck in a trap.  I saw the irony of chewing off my own foot to escape.  Finally the Doctor came in and checked the wound.  He wasn't very positive about it.  I asked if I could leave.  He said no I had to get my antibiotic.  I told him about the loss of appetite and the pain.  I felt being in the hospital was starting to hurt me more than help.  To my abosolute joy, he said I could go home.  I couldn't believe it.  I was getting out before Christmas!  I was getting out of the dungeon.  And then the wrost thing ever happened.  They said I had to get the home version of my wound vac.  What?  I could not go until it was delievered to the hospital and they believed that wouldn't happen until the day after Christmas.  I was crushed beyond belief and called home crying.  I asked my Mom what can we do?  She said she would call the company and see what could be done while I called the social worker.  She was not very nice saying that if I left the hospital before the wound vac came I would no longer receive care.  I was devasated by how heartless she was acting.  I begged to have something be done.  She denied me and I thought all was lost.  They my super hero mother got in contact with the company, found out they have an office in Richmond, Virginia, which is 3 hours away.  They had sent a driver out and gave her a tracking number.  Mircle, the vaccum arrived that night, the 23rd.  The nurse was so nice she came in to say the Doctor had not given orders to release me yet and that I would have to stay another night.  I told her it was okay I had expected that.  I rolled out of that hospital on the 24th of Dec.  Christmas eve.

I was a lump for Christmas.  I was unable to do much of any thing, but I can walk without a walker. It was so wonderful to sleep in my own bed.  The recliner is a little slice of heaven to me.  The kids that came to visit were very nice to me.  We played some games which is a family tradition and when I had to put my foot up and rest they left me alone.  It is always a lot of work when people come to stay at your house, but I am glad my Dad and Mom were willing to do it.

Unfortunatly, the kids got sick and poor Mom followed.  She gets so bad.  It seems to become pneumonia each time.  Luckily I asked my aunt Debbie to come and take care of me.  I had a tickle in my brain that told me to ask her.  I knew my Mother would break down and reinforcments had to be called.  We were very lucky she come on the 31st and stay until the 5th.  The timing was amazing, since Mom was so sick she couldn't get out of bed.  If Debbie wasn't here I think I would have had to survive on Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  She is/was amazing.  I could ask her for anything knowing she was there for me. It is beyond comforting to have a belly full of nice warm food.  It wasn't that fun of a trip for her since all we did was go to the hospital, but I love talking to my Aunt Debbie and that made her visit very special to me.  She has had to deal with her family members getting sick and that has given her the ability to be an awesome caretaker.  I cried when she left.  I cried because I knew I would not get the care that a loving relative can give.  This is when I wish I had a daughter to take care of me.  This is when I wish I had my own family.  I picture myself alone and desperate in a disgusting nursing home where people are lonely and dying all around me.  One of the problems with being alone.

The complicated bandage I have to live with.  The black is the sponge where the junk is being pulled out.  The suction cup is the beginning of the hose.  It must have a perfect seal to work. 

So the hospital has not been the end of this trial.  At first I had to go to the hospital every other day to get an infusion of a very powerful antibiotic call Vancomycin.  The effort to get my body to move is tremendous for me.  I have to get clothes on.  Make sure I have a change of dressing for the Wound Vac. Find everything I need for the Hospital. It is awful to get in and out of the car.  I have been so weak.  I can't walk very far without my legs starting to tremble.  It is so hard for me to accept.  I want to walk.  I want to take care of myself, but I find I have to ask for help, another thing that is so difficult for me.  I get to the hospital and they place me in an out-patient room.  My blood is drawn and I have to wait an hour for my blood to be tested.  They are checking for the trough and peaks, basically what the antibiotic is doing to me.  My dressing is very complicated and only certain people can change it.  It requires this highly sticky plastic and sponges.  The sponge cannot touch my bare skin, so this elaborate structure has to be put on my leg.  Once it is there it doesn't bother me except for the hose trialing off my body and constantly getting in the way.  The hose has two stoppers on it and I seem to step on one every day.

The Wound Vac.  It has become my constant companion.  I have to carry every where.  It make a putt-putt noise.  If that changes I know there is a problem.  It also beeps and has alerts on the screen.  I step on those white stoppers all the time.  They allow for the hose to be detached, so I can take a shower.

The worst was when the hose fell off  my leg when I walked in the door after being at the hospital for more than 6 hours.  I was very upset and cried in front of my Dad knowing I had to go back to the hospital.  The nurse was swamped with people and it took her over two hours to fix my bandage.  Another time I accidently got my hose stuck in the recliner.  It was early morning, so I couldn't call for help and I really needed to go to the bathroom,  I ripped the hose off.  This time I decided to fix it myself. I figure out the get a new hose and attach it to the black sponge.  It worked and I didn't have to go back to the hospital again. So along with my dressing change I have to get the antibiotic which takes 2 hours to drip into my veins and that is if the machine doesn't react to a bubble and stop. requiring a nurse to start it again.  I have been there for hours upon hours.  I get so frustrated and angry because I think that every thing should go in a timely matter.  I should NOT be there for hours sitting in a room doing nothing.  That drives me nuts.  I think let's get this going now.

The wrost is every time I go something awful happens.  It has almost become a cliché.  I had a nurse drop the spomge on the ground and place it directly into my would.  I have spent 30 minutes getting an IV with blown veins.  I had an IV fail and my forearm swelled to twice its normal size.  That one scared me because there was a huge bump behind the IV and then a drop off to see the rest of my arm was normal.  It was very painful.  She removed the IV and then proceeded to put another one in my other hand because there was still an hour of medicine left.  Thankfully I had a friend there I could talk to and take my mine off the constant waves of sorrow.  I wanted to feel sorry for myself, but I wanted to enjoy her company more, so I didn't feel the emotional pain.  Thank goodness for small favors.  I was so glad she stayed with me, it makes a difference.  I now know to go early.  I take my Kindle, Ipod and my cross-stitch (almost done).  I have also learned to take my lunch.  I have a salad, some chips and water.  Today was the best day besides the bloody IV.  I went in at 11am and got out at 4:30pm.  I think that was a record.

So for the news from the Doctor.  I think he is tried of me.  As a surgeon, he seems to be used to taking care of the problem, the person heals and he is done.  By the way, I didn't pick this Doctor.  I was referred from my usual Doctor.  I thought I was just going in for a visit and then this mess happen.  He doesn't talk much.  I'm lucky if I get a sentence out of him.  I asked how long the antibiotic.  He said he did not know.  This last dressing change he said, "I don't know if this is ever going to heal."  What does that mean? Was the thought that popped into my head.  Am I going to have a chuck of flesh out of my foot for the rest of my life?(That is how my Aunt described the wound.  Frist she said, "It looks like chicken" I replied, "Don't you mean Pork, since they say we are close to pigs.")  Are they going to take my foot after all this work?  Not very comforting.  He said again that the wound was in a very bad spot and because of my sugars.  I guess it doesn't matter that I have tried very hard to bring them down.  I have diabetes and that means I am screwed.  My friend asked about the antibiotic and he said he would give it to me every day if it wasn't hurting my kidney's.  When he left I said to my friend, "This is the first time I am going to say I am grateful for my kidney failure."   I could not handle every day.  Bow I have been going every 4 days.  It takes me 3 of those days to recover and feel human enough to get in the car and do it all again.

I find the hospital to be a very ironic place that I despise.  I am very impressed with those that can volunteer and give help.  I only know it as a house of pain that uses the guise of getting you better.  I have to push down my natural instinct to fight against the system.  I hate being a number.  I hate the detactment of the people.  I know they have to be.  I know they have to keep sticking me with a needles even if blood is shooting out.  I know they are trying to make me better.  I know all of this so I submit.  I have resigned to the pain, to the difficulties.  I have resigned myself to the fact that this is now my life.  It doesn't matter that I loth every part of it.