Fighting my Agoraphobia or not being able to go Outside

thought I would talk about my messed up childhood, since every one seems to like it. (said with a sarcastic note) No, I think going over it helps a bit and as far as I can tell most think they had a screwed up childhood. I think the difference with mind is that it wasn't my family that caused all the pain.  I mean yea, we had our moments, but I don't look to them as the defining point when I turned whack-a-doodle.  It has been the people outside my door that have affected me so much.  I have tried to forget most of it, but it is ingrained in me even though I don't want it to be.

I said to myself, "I think you are suffering from agoraphobia." That was in 2002.  I had just finished fashion school and despite my flurry of resumes I was unable to get a job.  I couldn't even blame my looks because I never got any interviews.  One job was for a doll company, something that I have been doing all my life.  I figured I would at least get a call, but nothing.  I had plenty to do.  I am able to fill my days without much of a problem, but I started noticing that I couldn't go outside.  I used to go shopping.  I would go to resturants.  I did everything, but slowly that all stopped.  No one asked me out.  Most, if not all of my friends were older or had children they needed to care for, so hanging out had disappeared.  I told myself I would go out if someone asked me to, but no one ever did.  My mother asked me to bring in the groceries from the car, a weekly need, and I remember clearly my rapid heartbeat, not from the work, but from the fear of seeing the blue sky.

I don't really feel fear in certain areas.  I don't worry about being attacked walking down the street.  I know I will fight back.  I have grown up in a home that left its door unlocked all the time and that was in southern California.  My fear is normally people base and to feel it so harshly was debilitating for me.  It was so miserable I was unable to leave my room and go to other rooms of the house.  It even got so bad my mother actually mentioned how I was acting.  I passed it off in front of her, but I knew then that if my mother noticed and said something then my problem was at critical mass.

The strange part was I think the beginning of my problem was when I became a teenager.  7th grade wasn't that bad, but every thing after was so harsh I barely survived.   Everyone watches celebrities.  We know who they marry and about their children.  For that to happen they need to be followed all the time by the paparazzi.  They have people calling their name from every direction.  They have people interrupting their dinners asking for autographs and once in a while we hear about something negative like an egg being smashed or Tom Cruise with the water squirted at him.

Now imagine that same treatment, except instead of the fawning crowds we have nasty, violent teenagers.  It was a trial just to walk home.  I do not know why people feel like they have the right to say what ever they want to another, but I used to get a horn honk and then the shout of some bad word and an attack on my character or looks.  They weren't even that clever.  It was just "Bitch!"  out the window most of the time.  I would count each day how many people would shout something rude out of the car. (I got into the teens on time and that was only after a block of walking home.)  I had babies ask their mother about why I was so fat.  I had mother's laugh at me.  I had people interrupt my dinner with a rude comment.  Every where I went. NONE STOP!  It was killer.  As soon as I got one gang of kids to stop harassing me another would take over.  It really was hours every day and they only way I could be free of the constant attacks was to hide.  I hid in empty class rooms at lunch because I learned not to be an open target.  I hid in closets.  I hid in cars.  I hid in my house and I hid in my room.

It was really tough because I wanted so much to have a "normal" childhood.  I read books.  I watched movies.  Wasn't I meant to go to school dances.  Wasn't I meant to fall for a guy and have him like me back.  I have a memory of trying.  I went to a church dance.  Worst experience of my young life.  I knew the boys weren't going to ask me to dance, they had a hard time with the cute skinny girls.  So with much bravery I asked one of them.  I got a "no."  Okay, I can handle that.  Everyone gets rejected.  Let's try someone else. "no."  I got a "no" from every boy in that room.  Finally one of the male chaperons felt sorry for me and he asked me to dance.  The girl I had come with was busy roaming the halls in a fruitless action that I did not understand and did not want to be a part of.  I spent most of the night on a folding chair.  I remember saying to myself, "Why would you want to do this to yourself again?"  And I never did go to another dance, not even my prom.  What for?

My experiences in public have been excruciating.  I'm surprised I went and did any thing at all.  One of my problems resulting from that point in my life is my tendency to say kind of mean things, but as a term of endearing. I am surprised and hurt when I find out I have hurt the other person's feelings.   I try now that I am older to walk on egg shells around other people and I find it to be totally exhausting, so I don't want to try anymore.  I admit I was harsh when I was young, very, very sarcastic.  It helped me to know who understood what I was feeling.  Nobody could understand what I was going through.  How do you mentally handle being told you are garbage every day and nearly every hour of your life?  I had to set up walls to survive.  Many a celebrity has died in those circumstances and I came very close to it.

I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not what these people called me.  I tried very hard to turn the attention to more positive things, but it really did not work.  So here I am in my mid-twenties feeling the heavy weight of failure.  I think since it was such a transition point in my life, I surcome to the fear.  I had always been able to push it back, but this time I couldn't do it.

It is kind of embarrassing how I got over my fear.  I actually talked myself out of it.  I really do like who I am.  I am impressed with the core of iron I have inside of me.  I guess it was something I was born with.  I told myself I did not want to miss out on anything because a stupid person was unable to keep there mouth shut.  I also told myself that now with everyone I grew up with having babies I did not look so abnormal to the world.  With age I was starting to blend in.   Now here in Virginia it doesn't matter.  I wonder when I look at the mass of humanity who do not bat an eyelash at how they look, I wonder how my childhood would have come out.  Would I have been made fun of as much?  Who knows?

What is sad now is I am unable to leave the house.  It is a colossal effort and one that I am only willing to put forth for my Doctor appointments.  I call myself a shut in and this time it isn't self inflicted.  The funny part is how things have circled around.  I have to stay in the house and thank goodness I know how to live like this.  I can't imagine an active, outgoing person having to face the pain that I am going through every day, physical and mental.  I feel almost like I have been prepared for this crisis.